The best 19 traditional Thanksgiving sides (2019 edition). You won’t believe number 4!

Back by popular demand because, frankly, no one is reading this blog today anyway, I’m putting the kids to bed early and getting an early start on Amateur Night keeping up The Employer Handbook tradition of ranking the foods that you will eat tomorrow.

Since this is the third year of ranking Thanksgiving food, let’s set some ground rules:

1. I’m only ranking Turkey and relatively traditional sides. Your goat cheese smothered rocky mountain oysters drizzled in balsamic and saffron aoli sound lovely. But, sorry, they don’t make the list.
2. Everything on this list is sans pork, which would otherwise provide an unfair advantage. If you combine bacon with anything ranked on this list, that food goes up four spots minimum.
3. Don’t bellyache that I ranked your favorite side too low. All results are final unless you bribe me. Fortunately, I accept bribes.

To avoid any recency effect, I randomized last year’s list, scoured the internet for inspiration, and drank a little Whistlepig 12 Year for, uh, further inspiration.

Now, here’s the list. (Last year’s ranking in parenthesis)

1. Sweet potato casserole with marshmallows (1)
2. Stuffing (2)
3. Mac and Cheese (5)
4. Cornbread (4)
5. Homemade mashed potatoes (3)
6. Biscuits (unranked)
7. Homemade cranberry sauce (9)
8. Brussel sprouts (6)*
9. Scalloped potatoes (unranked)
10. Sweet potatoes (unranked)
11. Gravy (8)
12. Dinner rolls (10)
13. Corn on the cob (14)
14. Green bean casserole (with French’s crispy fried onions or GTHO) (15)
15. Turkey (13)
16. Canned cranberry sauce (7)
17. Roasted root veggies (11)
18. Glazed carrots (12)
19. Creamed spinach (unranked)
20. Baked potat0 (unranked)

Bacon-less items that just missed the list because they lack bacon:

• Greens (easily top 10 with bacon)
• Cooked green beans

Brussel sprouts are top 5 with bacon involved.

Other items that will never again pass between my lips on Thanksgiving:

• Mac and cheese and [insert vegetable]
• Cauliflower puree
• Tofurkey
• Turducken
• Anything with pearl onions
• Any alleged superfood

Folks, I’m most thankful this year for all of you great subscribers. You keep reading; I’ll keep writing. And possibly doing a live YouTube chat in the near future.

See you next week.