🦃 Welcome to the The Employer Handbook Annual Thanksgiving Food Poll: 2025 Edition

Millions of Americans will sit down tomorrow and pretend that every dish on the table is:

cooked through (optimistically),
technically food, and
made with love,

when in reality at least three items will be:

described as “interesting,”
wrapped in foil that looks suspiciously like it came straight from a minivan, and
transported in a Tupperware container from 1998.

So once again, in the name of democracy and questionable priorities, I’m opening the 2025 Thanksgiving Food Ballot, where voters will select their favorites across four key categories.

This is not a poll.

This is Election Night coverage nobody asked for.

The Rules (written after zero bourbon, which is a lie)

1️⃣ Thirty-two items enter. Four will emerge victorious—one from each category.
Like Thunderdome, but with more starch and multiple champions because democracy is complicated.

2️⃣ Crunchy beats mushy every time.
I don’t make the rules. (I absolutely make the rules.)

3️⃣ Canned cranberry sauce counts as food only if you can still see the can ridges.
If it’s smooth, that’s just sad jam pretending to have structure.

4️⃣ If you vote for tofurkey, I will assume you also clap when the plane lands.

🗳️ CAST YOUR VOTE:

👉 https://forms.gle/QA6fXm7h2Pqd632X8

Vote boldly.
Vote unapologetically.
Vote like you’re done rewarding mediocrity in casserole form.

Clarifications before the emails start:

No, your stuffing isn’t “famous.”
It’s infamous, and you need to learn the difference.

Yes, we see the price sticker residue.
You didn’t “whip that up” — you scanned it.

My rulings are final.
If you’re upset about a Thanksgiving poll, I envy your free time.

Tomorrow, we pretend to like someone’s casserole.

Today, we judge.

Thank you for participating in the only part of Thanksgiving where pretending to enjoy someone’s company is optional.

Happy voting, and may your holiday include:

a turkey that isn’t pink,
a side dish that didn’t originate in the freezer aisle,
and at least one person who knows how to load the dishwasher without acting like they’re cracking a safe.

Most of all, I hope you get a day surrounded by people you enjoy — or at least can tolerate — with good food and a little peace.