Court: No need to accommodate employee who shows up drunk on Mike’s Hard Lemonade

Hey there, United States District Court for the Northern District of Illinois, Eastern Division.

This Americans with Disabilities Act failure-to-accomodate opinion right here. You had me at “Ortiz reported to work on April 5, 2010, carrying one empty and three full cans of ‘Mike’s Hard Lemonade’ (an alcoholic beverage), along with raw meat.”

I may borrow that line for my Hangover Part IV treatment. It stars Zach Galifianakis and the rest of the crew — cameos by Pee Wee Herman, Octomom, and Peter Dinklage (as Tyrion Lannister) — and centers around the hi-jinx that ensue after the boys get blackout drunk following Alan’s nephew’s bris.

game of thrones got tyrion lannister peter dinklage gif

(Three years later…)

And the Academy Award for best adapted screenplay goes to Eric Meyer.

“First of all, I’d like to thank God. I’d also like to thank the members of the Academy, my family, and the United States District Court for the Northern District of Illinois, Eastern Division. (applause) Step up your game, Western Division (laughter)…”

Yes, friends I stole borrowed the plot from the Illinois federal court, which opined (here) that an employee who shows up to work smelling of alcohol and with a blood alcohol level of .198. (15 minutes later, the level was .203), can be fired without violating the Americans with Disabilities Act. Yes, it’s true.

(The opinion; not my script idea, dummies).

It doesn’t matter that alcoholism is an ADA disability (it is) or, for that matter, what other disabilities the plaintiff may have had. Reporting to work in possession and under the influence of alcohol not only renders that employee unqualified under the ADA, but is a terminable offense.

So, next time one of your employees shows up to work zooted, carrying a four-foot gravity bong and a medium rare chateaubriand, go ahead and fire that person. No ADA violation there.

And then call me. So, I can start working on my next script.

(In the meantime, nominate this blog for the ABA Blawg 100 Amici, would ya? I have a prestigious blawg title to defend. Yes, I just used the word “blawg” in two straight sentences. Ok, three).

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